Friday, May 18, 2007

Sanatio in Radice

Met with Fr. Silva (my spiritual director) yesterday evening. I just laid it all out to him. Family memories, weight, Don's resignation, unexpected reactions stemming from mom's passing. All my feelings and confusion and fears of this week since Monday. The roller coaster ride that has left me feeling so out of harmony. I've been striving towards balance and harmony, an awareness of where life might be taking me, and I completely lost it this week and was left with nothing but questions.

What is human maturity but a ripening, an act of preparing for and engaging in a full life. The meaning of "full life" is as individual as the person who is paying attention to this process. Like losing weight, maturing to your full potential is a process. Honest efforts reveal layers of hard work to get through. It's step by step (so obvious) but each step is so loaded with challenges, it is no wonder most people fail in their weight loss efforts. Or, where maturity is concerned, slip into their comfort zone and stay there.

It takes a lot to free yourself from fears and hurts that are so deeply buried that you don't even know they are there. If these invisible agents of failure are lurking out of sight, how can one even KNOW to dig or, if one knows, then where?

Taking a sharp turn here now -- I struggled with God for years. Now, I'm no Ignatius or Augustine; my struggle with Him has been more like a child struggling with a parent. For me, it was something like:

- Struggle with God/Parent
- Go with the flow of what is around me.
- Focus entirely on children. Try to give them the tools for freedom that I could not use for
myself. Of course, this can end up being something like the blind leading the blind.
- Elder care done out of love, obligation, duty, guilt, the desire to fix/save
- To somehow deliver a happiness in later years that eluded the parent earlier.

But I find that as my struggle with God stopped and I started to surrender; understanding and freedom started taking root. Harmony and balance were in sight, albeit just a pinprick of light far away but clearly in view.

The wrestling with God/parents has been freeing and ripening but the journey is actually just starting. Like a maze, there are paths which will turn out to be dead ends or will lead me through twists and turns. But these twin processes of weight loss and spiritual growth are necessary processes. There are many layers to be uncovered, examined and then fitted into the puzzle of a free life and clarity of purpose and the ability to remember, with love, those who are gone now. It will be a love without blinders, love with the full knowledge of who they were and who they were NOT. To discover this is freeing and provides focus. It is the heart of spiritual life.

It is Sanatio in Radice , a cleansing, a healing at the root.


turquoise cro said...

AhhhHHHH! That is pretty! I pray for your healing Annie! XOCinda

tongue in cheek said...

Healing at the root, and the sweet smell of a fragrant rose.
To bloom again and again.

Thinking of you.

Star said...

Healing...hmmm. You've made me look down another alleyway. And Corey's comment about the hoped-for fragrant rose which will come from the healing. You are both setting my thoughts to swrirling.

Hoping you are able to use the weekend ahead to do more sorting and that the pieces will begin to fall into place (or show you where to sort a bit more).

Best wishes to Don also as he continues to recover from his surgery.

Jeremy said...

Take care of yourself, Annie. Heal those roots.

trailbee said...

I think you are very lucky to have found Fr. Silva at this time of extreme need, & that you feel comfortable enough to work with him.

Julie Marie said...


Why is maturity so undervalued in American society, and youth so overvalued? I think I have so much to bring to the table but I feel thwarted at every step, especially in this time of job seeking. I am not sure of your age but you must be somewhere close to my age - and if I am wrong, I apologize. People of a certain age should be revered for their experience and accumulated knowledge, like they are in other cultures.


Autrice DelDrago said...

Letting go and letting God do his thing is the most frustrating and most refreshing thing!

You are not alone in the struggle.

Kim said...

Ah... yes it is all a process. Sometimes I loose sight of this - it really does cause one to pause and be gentle with one's self. Thank you for this beautiful reminder Annie.

Sending warm thoughts to you.

LisaOceandreamer said...

A cleansing, a healing at the root....I will read that over and over again.
Your struggles sound a bell of familiarity in many ways.

I wish you patience, perseverance and the true unveiling of the YOU you are meant to be.
Love and light,

[a} said...

maturing is refining yourself through time, so that the best form of veauty shines forth!

this is such an interesting post. i can totally relate. Islam means "submission [to God]," and I've always found it hard to grasp that aspect of it. submission is the hardest lower yourself before no1 but God. it's probably the deepest experience i can hope for.

lovely post, filled with fruit for thought.

Mary Timme said...


I believe freedom is often over rated in personal life, as we always want to be free from and almost never free to--if you see what I mean. Struggles with God, I believe lead us to freedom to and not just freedom from. I guess God don't want no mamby pamby children or we wouldn't all have such a difficult time. I can only tell you I'm feeling the love of sister for you in your travail.

Lee-ann said...

Knowing there is a need to talk through all your past and present feelings is a very good thing.

To discover your feelings without binds...........what a blessing!

Annie my dear friend I hear your every word!

Tammy said...

Wonderful post Annie. I'm watching my daughter add layers to her life and it scares me. XXOO

Healing vibes blowing your way.

Gypsy Purple said...

I`m still owing you a meme...did not forget about it...going through some inner time for myself...reading something that I would like to share with you...will mail...

paris parfait said...

Isn't it interesting how life's journey takes so many twists and turns and we continue to grow and learn from our experiences and develop into richer, fuller beings? Very thoughtful post Annie. xo


I have been excercising the whole time I was reading your blog today. :-) did you go about trying to help your parents to be happy?