Monday, May 14, 2007

What Now?

So much of what I am about to write perhaps more appropriately belongs in my Interior Dialogues blog but I'm posting it here because this will really speak to the spirit of a lot of what is happening to me, the new understandings I am unveiling. Perhaps later, when I can look at all of this, turn it over in my mind, examine it, I'll post it all there as well.

Call with M last night. Felt again pushed to feeling responsible for our uneven relationship. Felt PUSHED. Frustrated that nothing I do is right. At a loss. Don't know what to do or say. So much I hear and don't "get", so much that does not make sense, does not ring true. At a loss once again.

Avoid certain thoughts about m & d. Accept the flaws and damage. More sense of that with m. d is another matter. Silence was our communication. Only occasional glimmers of light. If something could be ignored, it would go away.

Things don't go away. They get buried. I BURY.

Love not felt.

Frozen out.
Freeze myself.
Felt lacking
Weight
Wanting approval.
String dangled.

Face it. FUCKING FACE IT.
I could never really do it right.

Tangled with S. Love her. Does SHE know or feel it? m all over again. What is missing? What else can I do?
Do to make it better.
Fix it.

You don't love me.
Comparisons.
Why can't you be more like . . .
Not accepted.
Strings

Love so much
Want so much
No wonder I CAN NOT cry.

Bridges being built
Incomplete.
Two cliffs
Two sides
Don't jump over, jump across.
Jump TO -
Catch -
Hang on

Understanding.

14 comments:

trailbee said...

I can feel the steam all the way up the mountain side. And the hurt, and the fear. 10 deep breaths, please. Great writing, though! I'll call.

tongue in cheek said...

Annie, I am here, hugging you.

Tammy said...

Annie, I know exactly how this feels and my heart reaches out to yours! XXOO


BTW good job with Jenny.

Mary Timme said...

Are you sure you're not channeling me. Well, no because I don't even believe in that, but there has to be a reson we are both working on poems about loves that are somehow twisted and yet we are the ones left dangling in the wind. Hard times. Praying for you.

Wanda said...

Annie: I can't even begin to feel the pain your are in. But what I can do is go to my knees and pray that the Lord will somehow intervene and bring you some peace and reconcillation and healing!
I do care deeply.
Love and Hugs

Star said...

Wishing I knew what to say to help or offer insight. Lacking that, I'll just send a hug {{{Annie}}}

Gypsy Purple said...

I am just keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.......just a mail away.....

Becca said...

Annie, I can feel your frustration in every word. Sending you wishes for a resolution to some of these conflicts, and peace for your heart and mind. xoxo

turquoise cro said...

I was thinking of YOU sweet Annie on Mother's Day and was too lazy to email! I am sorry once again! Why don't I listen to my messages more on my collages! Wish I lived near so we could get together and run! Yes! run! tee hee We would be laughing, that's GREAT! you've lost that many lbs! I almost can say that! Almost doesn't count though! Wish I lived near too, so I could give you a big HUG!!!((((((Annie))))))pretty tight!!! xoCinda

Kahshe Cottager said...

I am so sorry you are in such pain. I am also sending wishes for resolution, peace and happiness.

LisaOceandreamer said...

You know Annie,if all of this refers to issues with family...siblings especially...I can relate and I feel the intensity of which you wrote this. If it is not I still felt the intensity and I truly believe it is cathartic to write it, own it, feel it and then hopefully let it go. I haven't learned the last part yet. It's all a journey and I feel that you are little by little beginning to shed more than weight.
Sending you love and hugs,
Lisa
XOXO

vicci said...

I will try to answer this question Annie...it may take me some time..what you are doing is soooooo difficult!!!!!
PS...SOOO happy you liked the book...I actually picked up that book...and IMMEDIATELY knew it was YOURS! :-)

Carmen in California said...

My heart is with you! I have been away these past days but all of my hugs are with you! and prayers! I understand your pain. I am with you!

Julie Marie said...

Annie,

I have waited a couple of days to write this just to make sure I am being tactful. It IS them, not you. I can tell from your blog that you are a warm, kind, loving person. Maybe you have tried enough. A friend of mine once told me that childhood has a shelf life (even a bad one). I was miffed at her when she said it; it took me a couple of years to accept what she was saying. Some things you must just put behind you forever in order to move ahead.

Loving thoughts, Julie