Saturday, September 15, 2007

Dropping in but just for a moment

Marcel Proust said The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.

Proust's statement fits my feelings for this week. I've had to take a break from blogging again because too much seemed to be going on within me. I have been feeling so cluttered that exterior clutter-fixing had come to a standstill. So for a bit, I needed to step back and look at the world around me with new eyes. I need to catch up on my poetry class; work at it with more depth; get back on my Jenny Craig program. Not gaining and not losing simply keeps me in neutral, not a comfortable place to be.

I am disturbed by a project at work that is coming due at a time when major planning for 08-09 is starting up. I'm sitting here at House of Java reading the binder content for this project feeling overwhelmed by the task at hand, however, I'm not alone, there is a lot of inter-departmental support and I think we actually have a starting point with our Five Year Review document. So I feel like I have actually accomplished two tasks this morning. I have Lessons 7 and 8 posts ready to go and I have a starting point on Monday when I get back to work.

Being stalled with my weight . . .

for three weeks has been disheartening. Neither gaining nor losing, creating my own meals is not the answer right now. I have to ask myself what was the reason I started Jenny Craig I the first place? Writing this, I realize my early entries in my private weight-loss blog were exhilarating and hopeful but joining Contours and then not going more than 1 - 2 times a week has contributed to feelings of failure. The rapid writing of this portion of my journal tells me that I have hit the heart of the matter.

Failure and feelings of unworthiness have haunted and hunted me my entire life. I wrote the poem today, THE NOTE, and posted it to my poetry workshop site. I will probably post it here eventually. Once it was written I realized that the feelings though deeply buried, never really go away. Can we really ever purge ourselves of our most private, darkest feelings about ourselves? Perhaps not but with recognition can't we turn them into foundations of strength?

Today I visited Jenny Craig and later came home filled with new resolve. I purchased a weeks worth of Jenny food and then dove into my journal. Other things had been bothering me, minor things. But many small things together can feel like one big thing and that is what had happened to me

I don't want feelings of failure and unworthiness to haunt me, so what do I do about it? Everyone says discovering and acknowledging your weaknesses is the biggest step. I'm inclined to disagree with that sentiment. The healing and overcoming often takes the rest of one's life (if I'm any example). My twin fears are always there waiting to step forward in my moments of weaknesses, unguardedness, or weariness. Then I'm busy back-filling and working all over again to focus on all of my hard-won strengths to defeat these demons. Once I started doing this I found that I could focus again on why I am here and I could write again with focus and discipline.

So, on this six hour anniversary of resurrecting my strength and resolve, I forge forward in the hopes of seeing a substantial loss next week and writing with greater purpose. Being stalled is not a good thing.


Geri said...

My friend Jessie, a wise and wonderful man, once told me that the curse of a big open heart is that it's always opened so sometimes it gets full, the beauty of a big open heart is that it is a huge love sponge and if we sit still for a minute, it will take all that"too much" and soak it up and put it in the right place. I've always found it to be true. A hug to you my friend!

Wanda said...

My only words tonight, dear friend, is I love you!

Britt-Arnhild said...

Not always easy to focus. I wish you good luck with everything you have going on in your life right now.

Sue "Sioux" Seibert said...

Oh, gee, Annie, I feel think we're related! Sometimes it's overwhelming, those feelings. And the weight. We both, Raf and I, decided to go back on Slim Fast after the cruise. We both immediately lost about 5 pounds each...and now it's up and down, up and down, no matter what we do.

Also, I feel I am being called by God to do "something"...what, I'm not sure, although it's getting clearer, and I feel it may involve evangelism...which is so NOT Anglican!

You are in my prayers. No, being stalled is not a good thing, but it happens to us all.

Lea said...

From those dark places...
Fertile soil
for new life,
for green sprouts
of beauty waiting to breathe
through every moment of your being,
your being Annie,
joy of our hearts...

miss*R said...

first of all - I love you. I am blessed to be able to say that you are my friend and I feel blessed that our paths have crossed. Oneday, I hope we meet.
Can we really ever purge ourselves of our most private, darkest feelings about ourselves? Perhaps not but with recognition can't we turn them into foundations of strength? ~ I hope we can purge ourselves, I have awful feelings about myself - I am trying so hard to bring self love into my life - hopefully my counsellor will help me.
The healing and overcoming often takes the rest of one's life ~ yes it can... it is a journey of self discovery, not a race but something to be enjoyed as we rediscover our SELF.... I am trying so hard to be in the present moment...
I wish we lived near to each other, we could encourage each other on this journey that we are on...
sending angels to support you in whatever struggles you are experiencing xoxo

Black Wolf said...

Okay, here it is Sis.

Unworthiness? I've seen those feelings in you since we were children.

Unworthiness? Is it true?

No. Nyat. Nada.

As the ever stawart one, here's what I say on the matter ....

Knock that shit off! I don't like it, and keeps others from seeing the incredible person that you are. Knock it off. Knock it off. Knock it off.

Read Desiderata again. Not be trite but .... you are a child of the Universe no less than the trees or the stars ... so go climb into a tree or swing from a star, and enjoy every minute of it.

Your loving, direct, blunt sister .... Mars Bar