Saturday, December 30, 2006

Sunday Scribbles - Destination

After a week of silence and a lot of reflection, I'm a bit closer to what is next for me. Like many of us, I've been thinking about the past, recent events in my life, and what these events mean for my future. In no particular order, I've been thinking about

Weight Loss (always right up there at the top)
Instructing myself more deeply in my Faith
Becoming more disciplined and focused
Becoming more productive
Finishing my kitchen project
Maintaining close ties to my brother and sister
Improve my cooking skills
Getting back to my poetry and haikus
Garden more effectively
Bring more energy into my life
Designing thematic photo books
Pray more
Clearing up and reinventing my art room
Resurrecting my creative spirit
Clearing out the cobwebs in my mind and heart

There is a lot of confusion and indecision in my mind and heart these days. For five years my focus was on my mother. Even before she became ill, she could not drive. She was housebound because of that. Shopping, errands, just getting out was impossible for her. She did learn to take the bus to the shops just up the road, which for mom, was a pretty big deal. And then when she moved to Samaritan Village and before her stroke, she formed a circle of friends that brought her not only much happiness but also greater mobility. They drove, she didn't, and they included her. There were a few occasions when mom would show up at my office door at work in the middle of the day and I would be so surprised. These sweet moments brought me a lot of joy. It was wonderful to see mom out and about with friends. But then that all changed.

It took mom 2 1/2 years to pass after her stroke. Even though she regained a degree of mobility and independence, she was never really happy again. She could not speak well and the new language between us was deeply tiring for both of us. Tiring for her in her struggle to communicate. Tiring for me in my quest to listen, hear, and understand. Patience became the center of our communication and our physical interaction.

With mom's passing, I feeling like a rubberband that has lost its snap. Even as I write this, I find my thoughts centered on mom as I sift through what she has meant to my daily life for the past five years. Even when I wasn't with her, my thoughts were not far away. And yet my thoughts are moving forward as I try to discern the first step I must take.

The word "energy" seeps through my mind. I can't do anything without energy. I can't do anything until I give renewed energy the time to do its work. I can't do all things as once. Energy, Focus, Steadiness, discipline. I don't have mom to put first anymore. My children are raised. I have a renewing relationship with my husband to think about as final retirement approaches. The energy is like light forming over a black hole of energy sucking darkness resistant to the encroaching light. Darkness has had dominance for a long time. I will need a lot of energy for this next phase of my life.


paris parfait said...

Annie, some lovely goals for the new year - and yes, they'll require a lot of energy! But you can do whatever you decide to do and I'm glad nuturing your creative spirit is part of your list! Happy New Year! xo

Susie said...

I related on so many levels to this post which was obviously written from your heart.
The goals and challenges you've given yourself should help you look to the future with a renewed sense of purpose. Your energy will return as you once again begin to do things you truly enjoy..
Looking forward to your poetry and art!

Di Hickman (Spot-On) said...

great list you have there! many things on it are goals we both share!

My condolences on the loss of your mother...

Star said...

You definitely have a full slate for the coming year, Annie. I think these new and renewed interests will help you refocus your life and bring even more joy.

Becca said...

Annie, you've been through a lot of energy depelting events this year. It's natural that you would feel as if your strength had been sapped. You've listed some wonderful goals for yourself, any of which will help to create positive energy flowing in your life once again.

I'm looking forward to seeing all the new creative things you'll do in 2007!

Crafty Green Poet said...

Great list of goals to focus on. My sympathy for your bereavement, I'm sure your Mum would be happy to see you with such a positive attitude!

Janie Hickok Siess, Esq. said...

Hi, "neighbor"!

I empathize with you regarding many of the things you mentioned, especially the situation with your mother. But as time passes, it does get easier and you will find your way again.

Michelle said...

Just about everything on your list is something that I need to work on as well. You're right about the energy part! Wishing you as much as the Energizer Bunny!

Rethabile said...

"Getting back to my poetry and haikus."

I like this one. May it come to pass...

Have a happy 2007.

AnnieElf said...

A message from Stephen via email:

Energy comes from hope. Hope sometimes comes from seeing the truth in a new way. Good luck in your search