Thursday, February 01, 2007

Blues of the non-musical sort

Is it possible to be happy about the success of a project and then feel a sort of emptiness as it draws to a close? I'm thinking yes because I'm feeling perilously close to that empty feeling I experienced after my mother died.

There are a lot of loose ends still to be wrapped up. I suppose that is why I'm struggling with the spiritual part of myself that yearns to just break free of work and locale. If I could create a perfect me-world it would be peopled with flowers from my gifted green thumb; art from my heart and from the heart of others; a studio that magically resurrected itself and kitchen cabinets all shabby chic Tuscan and complete.

There is a part of me that wants to skip all the steps of getting there. I've always been like that and it's only been over time that I've been able to develop any discipline and focus. Have you ever felt that you were being pushed in a particular direction and the only reason you are making any progress at all is because life expects progress? Life happens around you when you aren't looking, someone said.

The word rootlessness has been bothering me lately. I am ashamed that I still feel the rootlessness of my childhood considering the goodness in my life - a home, children, a dear husband, expectations and hopes for a creative future.

I find that while I am taking a more active role in what I do with my time, what I feed my mind, I still cannot come to grips with the one thing that completely defeats me and that is my image of myself and my relationship with food. I screamed at myself this morning "How hard is it to just say 'NO'!". I felt like Nancy Reagan was shaking her finger at me so I screamed back at her. I don't remember what it was I screamed but my car's interior is still vibrating, I'm sure.

The disquiet has been sneaking up on me all week. I haven't even written any Good Things notes this week. Three weeks have gone by and now I'm dropping the ball. Three weeks is a sort of real doing barrier for me. I often lose the power to continue projects after about three weeks. I wonder if others feel this start and stop rhythm in their lives.

There are three things I would like to do in the next two weeks - one is very easy. Tonight I pack two more boxes for Frida. Then this weekend I finish one side of the kitchen. And if I could, I would completely gut my studio all of next week and save only that which is most precious. I'm frozen in place and desperate for a thaw. Don has given me a plan but it's up to me to get started. But in the meantime, I must find a way over this latest black hole that is creeping up on me, engulfing me, and trying to convince me that I am somehow less than I really am. Frida calls it Black Dog. Welcome to Black Dog Land, Anne, and now dig under the fence and get the hell OUT of it.


lila said...

I think yu are entitled to feel a bit down sometimes...empty.... especially after a loss like you have had last year.
Be gentle with yourself and nurture yourself. Just acceat that "it is as it is" and BREATHE.

(I'm trying to follow my own advice here!)

miss*R said...

me too, me too!!! I posted about my melancholia today (full moon).... can we email together? maybe you & I can do a one on one art from our hearts?

diana said...

been there done that girl... you can do it one step at a time... break those projects down into smaller steps and dont put too much on your list at a time. I agree with lila.. be sure to leave plenty of time to breathe . xoxo

Susie said...

Maybe some of what you're feeling is overwhelmed. I get that way when I have too much to do and not enough time to do any of it right. Yet I want it all done,..
Taking some time for yourself surely can't hurt!

Janet said...

I also agree with Lila. No one just pops back after a loss like you had. It takes time and there will be good days and bad days.

I have felt the start/stop rhythm in the past especially when we moved around a lot for hubby's work. I would just get settled into a routine and then it would get disrupted and I would have to start all over again. Sometimes it just didn't happen! Sometimes I never got started again. That's why my weight got away from me for awhile but I'm conquering that now. I'm being very focused and follow a routine each day.

LisaOceandreamer said...

"I'm frozen in place and desperate for a thaw".....OMG Annie - I do believe that sums it up and I can relate on every level. My saying that doesn't help I know, I still don't have a grasp on the process myself. I just wanted to say I understand.
Big hugs,

Star said...

I found a list just this week that helped me feel better about this very thing (which I seem to encounter on a cyclical basis). I'll send it in an e-mail.

For now, just know that there are so many that care and enfold you in our virtual arms.

xoxo Star

Becca said...

I know just how you feel, Annie. I love the term Black Dog Land - but I dwell there far too often.

Here's to digging out :)

Shabby in the City said...

Can you tell me about the underwear program for Afghanistan?
I have some problem in which I can't see anyone's email addresses on blogs. I'm sure you can see mine.